sailor_jerry: (Thick - GQMF)
[personal profile] sailor_jerry
So at the moment I'm trying to find somewhere to go on holiday with the wife and daughter that is sunny, child-friendly and not extortionate at the start of July. I've religiously and carefully saved up some money for it and I know we desperately need to get away.
It's quite weird having to plan a holiday that's primarily friendly for a 4 year old.

In other real life news, my manager mentioned, as she was leaving work today, that she's on annual leave next week. Meaning I'm essentially in charge of the ward for the week and have to manage the staffing levels and safety of the patients and staff. My lovely Matron is going to be about to help me out but it's quite an intimidating feeling.

My main concern is how my mental health is going to hold out. I've had 3 big crashes this year, and when they hit me they wipe the floor with my. I can tell they're coming because I have a few days of being completely hypomanic but afterwards the crash is so bad I have literally no memory of several days.
I'm concerned because at the moment it's nearly midnight and I am full of energy and want to go out and go for a run and get rid of all the bubbling motivation I have. It's an incredible feeling, but I know in the back of my mind that another crash is coming and i'm scared it will hit when I'm meant to be managing a ward full of very vulnerable patients and staff that are stretched to breaking point .
(Several staff have gone off sick and one nurse resigned with immediate effect today. The ward is VERY difficult at the moment - we have a lot of ladies with very severe complex needs which require a lot of intense care. I have bruises on my face from being assaulted by confused and scared old ladies.)

This entry is all over the place, but I think It's particularly indicative of my current mental state. The more work I do with my psychotherapist the more stuff she is digging up that's causing some serious instability in what was some fairly well-managed but significant past trauma. I know the outcome in the long term will be beneficial, but at present I'm very aware of how vulnerable I am. I feel like a feather being blown about in a storm, I am definitely more at the mercy of my mental state than I am in control of it.
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